Forgiving is Hard

 

Good afternoon y'all. I have been thinking of forgiveness. It is something that we all should do. Holding on to things only hurts ourselves. The reality of being angry with God is a hard one to explain. One of the hardest things for me to admit is that I am angry at myself for still being alive. It should have been me that passed on in May. It definitely wasn't my choice and I know that I can't change anything, so then why am I mad at myself. I will be working on this. My anger at God has lessened. 

But forgiveness is truly a gift that we give ourselves. It frees us from that bitterness that can take root in our very soul. It will darken your days and play havoc with your mind. I talk from experience. I used to think "I will forgive ___ if only they would say that they are sorry". But honestly, even if they say this, do they truly mean it? If I waited for everyone who ever did me wrong, I would be a bitter old woman. I don't want to feel this. I want to be joyful and loving. I can't be these things if I hold resentment. 

I know that we aren't always able to go to someone and say "I forgive you!" but it is important that you pray about it and sincerely forgive others. Again, it's not so much for them but for yourself. I challenge you to try this. I find that I feel better inside after doing so! 

Finding Inner Peace

 

Good afternoon y'all! As most of you know, my grandson passed on to his heavenly home back in May. My whole turned upside down that fateful day. I didn't know which way was up. I felt like a huge part of me died with him. I miss him terribly. But I will say that I am a big fan of finding peace within. I can't make this any better because no matter what I do, I can't bring him back. The reality of that breaks my heart. The pain this has caused my family is heart wrenching. There is something that I do know and that is Ezra wouldn't have wanted everyone to be sad. He had such joy in his heart and he would want everyone to find the joy within. Here are a couple of pictures of his dedication to the God. His parents made the commitment to make sure that they raised him to know God and they did this well. His smile and laughter was so contagious and I'm not sure if he ever met a stranger.   

                                              

                                 

How can I find peace when something so tragic happened? It is something that we find within ourselves. It is not based on things that are around us. I found this cool article that speaks of this:

https://positivepsychology.com/inner-peace-happiness/

As we know, tomorrow is not promised and life is too short. I hope that even in the biggest storm or worst season of your life, that you can find peace. I expect to live life to the fullest every day. I don't want to have regrets when I get older. I make a commitment to myself, my hubby, and my family that I will live life to best of my ability.

Do I feel this way every day? No, but I do make a choice everyday whether or not I want to find joy and inner peace in my life. I challenge you to do the same.

Fishing is Fun

 

Good morning y'all! I hope that you had a wonderful weekend. As I told you, I got to go fishing this weekend. We left on Thursday and met my brother in Port O'Connor. We visited and went to eat that night. On Friday, we got up and left the RV around 5:30 am. We got the boat in the water and headed out. The waves were too big to go out as far as we had wanted. We started catching snapper. We were within 9 miles of the coast so we were able to keep them. We caught 4 of them. Wesley caught a king fish. Bobby caught a gaff-topsail fish and Randy caught one as well. I caught 2 snappers and one trout. Wesley caught a snapper as well. The pictures below are of Wesley's king fish and a shark that I caught but threw back.

                                                 

On Saturday, we went out a little farther. The waves were pretty calm on our trip out. I let my line out. We were in about 200 feet of water. We were using cut bait. I sat for a few minutes until something took my line. I was using a saltwater rig with 60 lb test line. I couldn't get the pole up, the fish was taking the drag and there wasn't anything I could do. I was using my entire body strength and still couldn't bring the pole up. Randy took the pole and was trying to fight it. The fish went into a structure under the water and ended up breaking my line. But the adrenaline was flowing. I had never hooked into something like that. I don't know what it was but it was still great. Randy set up my line again and I baited the hook. I let my line back out and the following picture is what I brought up. Now, it's not snapper season and we were too far away from the coast to keep it but I got a picture anyway!

My hands were cramping up and I was shaking so bad. But it sure was fun. As I was resting my arms and hands, a storm blew in. We had to head in because the waves were getting bad. It took us 4 hours to get back in. I want to thank my brother for going slow on the way back in. Large waves not only beat a boat and a person but it scares the crap out of me.

I hope that y'all have a wonderful week.

Change of Plans

 

Good afternoon, y'all! I hope that you are having a wonderful day. Mine is going pretty good so far. My hubby is on vacation this week. I was planning on having surgery tomorrow to remove my gallbladder but the doctors office had told me that I wouldn't have to pay anything but the hospital called yesterday evening and told me that I would have to pay $260. Now, I might have been able to do it if I had known this a week ago but I don't have that kind of money just laying around. Since I'm not having any symptoms, I will try to reschedule it for the end of September or the first of October. 

Well, since I'm not going to have surgery tomorrow, we are going fishing with my brother. I don't know what time we are going out on Friday and I am not sure how long we are going to stay out there but I hope I get to catch some big fish. Pictures will follow after the weekend. I have to call to find out how much a fishing license will cost and we have to get our rod and reels out to restring them. I love to fish, at least I have enjoyed in the past. I haven't gone deep sea fishing in forever. So I am excited to do so and I do enjoy spending time with my brother. Him and Wesley are fun to watch.

I hope that everyone is planning something fun for the weekend, even if that looks like most of my weekends where we just watch some good movies together. Sometimes, those are what we need when we have been busy all through the week.

Seize the Moment

 

Good afternoon y'all! It has been several days since I wrote in my journal so I have a lot to catch up on. So I have been busy with grandchildren. I absolutely enjoy my grandkids. I picked up Eli on Monday of last week and he stayed with me until Friday. On Thursday evening, we went to my daughters and spent the evening with them. On Friday, Eva and I headed home around 2. Papaw and I took each of them shopping for a few sets of clothes for school. It wasn't much but we try to do what we can. So here are some pictures from the week.

                                             

I am tired today. After meet Tiffany and Chris for lunch, we headed to Cameron to go to the hill. It has been months since we went out there. The hill is where Wesley grew up and where his parents lived. It's looking a little rough because no one lives out there. His brother goes out to feed some horses but you can really tell that no one is taking care of the place. After it cools down some, we plan on going out there to start cleaning it up. But, oh my gosh, that is going to be some work.

I think a lot about making each day the best it can be. I don't want to look back at my life and have regrets. Some of the things that I have done in the past haven't always turned out so well for me but I don't have a lot of regrets. I have tried to seize every moment to make the best of my life. And will continue to do so (hopefully)

The following video makes me look really silly but it was such great fun to make it. So Eva can tell you how to walk like a "rock star". And she was teaching me how! 😂

I want to challenge each of you to do something that you have always wanted to do. No matter how silly or crazy it sounds. Now don't hurt yourself but do something so that you don't look back and say "Gee, I wish I had done ______"

In Need of Prayers

Good afternoon y'all! I hope that your day is going well. Some pictures came up on my facebook that made me smile and cry at the same time. I have been trying to not let bad days get to me because I'm trying to really enjoy Eli while he is here. But I watched a video of Ezzy from 2 years ago and I couldn't help myself. Eli came and gave me a big hug and boy, did that feel good. We started telling Eli some of the stories from when he was young. I know that he enjoyed that. 

One of the hardest things for a parent of children of any age is that we never want to see them hurt. It is natural to want to fix any pain they feel. But some things just can't be fixed. I'm so proud of my daughter, she isn't hiding away from her pain. She shares it and I know that is hard sometimes. But I also know that if we keep pain inside, it will eat us up. When you share it, it takes some of the power out of it. I love you so much Tiffany. I know that she is hurting and she knows that I'm hurting but we are still there to listen to each other. We can't protect each other from the pain of reality so we don't try. 

So I will be busy for the next couple of weeks. I have Eli this week. I will be going to Tiffany and Chris's house Thursday, spend the night, and let the kiddos swim on Friday together. Then Friday afternoon, I'll bring Eva home with me to spend the weekend. This will be the first time in 3 months. We will meet on Sunday for them to pick her up. I have group on Monday, Tuesday will be a free day, Wednesday is my surgery, Thursday is group, and I am hoping to go to my brothers deer lease on Friday for the weekend. Of course the weekend depends on how I feel after surgery. From what I have read, gallbladder surgery isn't hard to recover from. Keep me in your prayers please.

Finding Joy

 

Good afternoon, y'all. So I had group therapy today. It was good. We discussed gratitude. I like to start my mornings by thinking of things that I am grateful for. It seems to set the tone for the day. Two of the things that I am thankful every morning is: 1-That God gave me another day. 2-That I can get out of bed without help. We all know that we are not promised tomorrow so that is why I'm thankful for another day. And there was a time when I couldn't get out of bed without help. 

The other thing that comes to mind is joy! Here are two definitions of joy:

I truly think that joy comes from within. I find joy in the simplest of things. Seeing a hummingbird or a butterfly always brings a smile to my face. Even in my darkest moment, I can find joy. It's no secret that I miss my grandson Ezzy very much, I have finally found some joy in simple things again. Grief is such a hard thing but I know that I am not honoring him by being sad. He wouldn't have wanted that. He was always smiling and full of joy. He would want the same for everyone that he knew. So I am going to really work on this and to keep reminding myself this. 

I just love talking with my daughter. She is such an inspiration to me. So it's no secret either that I have been having issues with someone. Well, Tiffany has been saying "assume that everyone is doing the best they can at that moment" for a good while. I inherently think the best of people until proven wrong but I don't usually think that someone is doing the best they can when I am upset with them. Now, as she told me, this doesn't mean that they are not responsible for their actions because they are responsible. I feel comfortable with this now. This and prayer has taken away my anger which in the long run only hurts me. 

The only thing that I want to focus on is my grandson, Eli, who is here this week and finding joy in my life. I challenge you to find things in your life to be thankful for and to look for joy within yourself. I hope that your day is going great!

Journaling

Good afternoon y'all. Happy Thursday to everyone. I am ready for the weekend, I don't know why because I don't do anything different than I do the rest of the week but I still look forward to it. Creatures of habit I suppose. 

So something happened yesterday that I just don't understand. I was given something a couple of years ago that I had to order and paid for parts so that it could put it together. Well, because this person is mad at me, they asked for it back. Now, I am fine with it in general because I have another one that I just have to make legs for. But what I don't get is if you give someone something, are you supposed to take it back? I have given this same person several things, should they give them back to me? Don't get me wrong, I don't want the stuff back because I gave them as a gift but at the same time it frustrates me that people can be so selfish. But that is on them. 

I only write this because this is my journal and where I get my feelings out. If I put it down, these thoughts no longer have any power over me. I believe that I can only manage my thoughts well if I look for a pattern in them. Sometimes it is my "stinking thinking" that keeps my mind clouded and if I write them down, I can see where I might be looking at it all wrong. I journal here because it makes me feel better and I am hoping that maybe just one person in this world will read it and say "wow, I'm not alone". It also helps me stay grounded (rooted might be a better word). I do go back and read some of these blogs. I especially like to read some from when I started this. I'm amazed at how far I have come. Not everyone is willing to write their journal so that the whole world can see but I challenge you to keep a journal. It's pretty amazing to watch the growth in yourself. 

Boundries

Good afternoon y'all! I hope that your day is going well. Mine is definitely better than yesterday. I have been struggling with some things in the past week or so. And one of the things that come to mind is setting boundaries. I try to be a kind-hearted woman but I am honest as well. Sometimes it is hard to be both. And sometimes I fail at both but it is what I strive for. My mother-in-law didn't like me a whole lot (probably because no woman was good enough for her boy) but she did respect me after getting to know me. She would even call me and say "I called you because I know you will be honest with me." Now how great is that to hear from your mother-in-law! RIP Mrs. Shafer. I think that if we had had more time, we might have even become friends. But I sat pretty clear boundaries with her. I was always honest with her and I would try to help if I could. 

But sometimes, people think that if you are kind-hearted, that you are weak and they can treat you however they want. And I will say that this is on me. People only use you if you allow it. This is where boundaries come in. My counselor told me about a kids book called "The Giving Tree". I had never heard of it. But the jest of it is that at first the boy ate all of the apples, then started chopping the tree down and by the time the boy was finished, there was nothing left for the tree to give. I will have to look the book up!

I don't usually hold a grudge and I get over stuff pretty quick. There are a couple of things that I can't "get over". One is lying, if you lie to me, you will probably lie again. Second is trying to control me. It took me a good long time to stop trying to control others because it would only bring me frustration. Because, of course, I can't control anyone. But I can set boundaries to not allow anyone to have control over me or my emotions. I am responsible for ME! I control how I react to situations. I have to sleep in my own skin at night. 

Don't get me wrong, setting boundaries is not always easy but it is healthy. And usually when you set boundaries it's because someone has crossed them and it's never comfortable, especially to the one that crossed over your boundary.