Happy beautiful Monday morning to everyone! It’s raining and cooler here this morning. They are saying that our high temperature has already happened. The low tonight is supposed to be 50. I’m loving this. I think that I am going to work on the grandkids Christmas gifts today. I kind of messed up on figuring the yardage of material but I think that I will be able to make it work by using some of the material that I have in my stash. I am also trying to help Bernice design a quilt for her mom out of that same stash. We are kicking around some ideas right now.
I wanted to share with you about my battle with depression. I didn’t realize how it affected my life until I got help. So, I’ll go back a bit and give you the background, then bring you current:
My mom was on antidepressants. I don’t know everything that she was on, but Prozac was one of them. Back then, my mom and I didn’t see eye to eye. I thought that she just used ‘depression’ as a way to get what she wanted. I also thought that she was really weak because ‘she had to take medicine’ to help her. Why couldn’t she just handle it? I didn’t know any other mom’s that had to take medicine to make them ‘normal’. I thought that it was just an excuse for her to act the way that she did.
After the birth of my son, I started feeling that something wasn’t right. Of course, my husband had beat me for the first time by this point. So, part of me attributed my feelings to that. I even got to the point of wanting to kill myself. I actually went to a psychologist and after one visit, he prescribed me some kind of antidepressant. We didn’t have the money or the insurance for me to go back and see him. I took the medicine for a couple of weeks and felt like a zombie. I felt like I was walking around in a haze.
I didn’t know that it takes almost a month for the medication to get into your system and level out. I also didn’t know that I should have called him back and explained how I was feeling. I just knew that I couldn’t be much of a mom when I was zoned out. So, I quit taking them. I didn’t know that just stopping them could be dangerous as well. My thinking was really messed up because I didn’t think that I could be a mom on mood altering drugs but really, I couldn’t be a mom if I killed myself either. Of course, I never thought of it that way either. I was in my mid 20’s at this time.
My mental state didn’t get any better. When I left my husband, I started trying to make myself feel better, first with men then with drugs (illegal). I was trying to fill a void in myself. But of course, none of this made me feel better, only made me feel worse. After finally getting caught and going through SAPF, I learned a lot about how I think of things and how I react about things. I went through a bunch of therapy and counseling.
I felt like I was healed! I wasn’t doing drugs, I was working, and getting a relationship back with my kids. It was a struggle, but I did it. One thing at a time. Again, I met another man with whom I tried to fill that emptiness within me. Once I figured out that I was headed down the same ole path (which took a while), I finally told myself that enough was enough.
I met my wonderful husband when I went to work for a cement plant. He was a driver and he trained me on a cement truck. We got married and as I have shared, I got really sick. I had neck surgery and got sick again. It seemed like as soon as I got better, something else would happen. I didn’t realize just how bad this was affecting me mentally. I kept my focus on my husband and my family. I had one friend but didn’t care to make any more.
My daughter, who is a Nurse Practitioner, started trying to talk to me about getting some counseling. I guess that was 3 or 4 years ago. I dutifully listened to her but didn’t think that I needed it. After all, I didn’t want to kill myself. That’s what depression is, right? I was just physically sick a lot. I hurt and didn’t feel good a lot of the time. She brought this subject up occasionally but each time I zoned out and didn’t take any of it to heart. I just concentrated on my hubby and my kids and grandkids. I slept a lot, but I was tired and didn’t feel good and what was wrong with sleeping?
Now, I don’t want you to think that I don’t value Tiffany’s opinion because I do. She is highly intelligent and good at what she does. I call her with so many medical questions that would probably irritate most people but not her. I just didn’t want to hear it about my mental state. I still had these crazy thoughts that depression was a weakness. And I’m not a weak person. I’m strong and can handle whatever life throws at me!
We got custody of 4 of our grandchildren in January 2017. In the summer of that same year, I pinched a sciatic nerve. I couldn’t even stand up straight. It shot pains down my leg and anything that I did hurt. I was back to using a walker. My doctor referred me a physical therapist. I started going 3 times a week. I had a couple of therapists that I saw. After several weeks, the therapist that I saw on Friday’s, mentioned a counseling group that was next door. She knew that we had the grandkids and said that I should look into seeing someone to just listen to me. I really didn’t want to hear it but said that I would go talk to them. On my way out, I looked at the door and it said, “New Horizons Geriatric Counseling”. WHAT? GERIATIC? I’m not old enough for that! NO WAY!
The next Friday, she asked me if I had gone by yet. And after listening to her, I kind of felt obligated to at least stop by. I stopped by and the nurse Stephanie greeted me at the door with a welcoming smile. None of the other staff was there on Friday’s but she took me back to her office and we spoke for about an hour and a half. At the end of our counseling, she told me that according to her assessment, I was severely depressed. I was polite and told her thank you. She said that she was going to check into my insurance and would get back with me. As I went home, I was thinking that “of course they say that I am depressed, they want the money”. So, to prove it to myself, when I got home, I took 3-4 online assessments, and do you know what they all said? You got it, that I was severely depressed. Now, if one person tells you that, you can ignore it. If a second one says the same, then you might want to consider it. But I had my daughter, my physical therapist, this nurse, and 3-4 online assessments telling me the same thing!
So here is what my depression looked like: I was in pain a lot of time but did not want to kill myself. I didn’t have friends. I quit going to the store because Wesley could just stop by on his way home. I stayed in my pj’s because I was saving money on electricity by not having extra laundry. I stayed in one room in our house. I had excuses for each one of these but never realized that these were all signs of depression. I started attending New Horizon’s group sessions. I still did not believe that I needed to be there but I’m so thankful that I did. It was one of the hardest things to do.
Now, I have friends that I go and do things with. I rarely sit home now. I always seem to have something going on. I am a member of the Yoakum Garden Club. I am also a member of Austin Street Baptist Church. I am more involved than I ever have been. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. My marriage is happier than it has been in a long time (this is a story for another day). Below, you will find a link to a video that I encourage you to watch. It features several of the people that went to counseling at New Horizons. And yes, my hubby and I are in it. We are the only couple in the video.
I hope that you have a wonderful day. I’m going to enjoy
this cooler weather.
You’re amazing and I love you! Keep it up mom! It’s a battle for most of us it just looks different on different people! Also denial is a strong component! Way to overcome that and want to help others! Hugs! Super proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sweetie!
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