Am I lying? Nope!

Good morning! I am feeling like such a heel. I have been so busy with life that I had forgotten to journal. I like to write because it gives me an outlet to everything that is going on in my head. I had an awesome weekend. I picked up Eva and Ezra on Friday. They are such a delight to be around. They are a light in this somewhat dreary world. They are so full of wonder and excitement. We didn’t do much but make brownies and watch movies. And when we took them back, I got to spend some time with my daughter and that is so precious to me because she is always so busy. I don’t know how she does it!

There are so many things to write about and I am not sure how to start. I found out recently that Tiffany was sexually assaulted when she was little more than a toddler (5 or 6). She never told me and when I asked, she said that it wasn’t that she didn’t think that I would believe her. If I could find the kid (not a kid anymore) I would so hurt him. This was like 25 years ago and she doesn’t remember many details. She said that it was more about causing problems.

This has brought up a memory that my mind had pushed so far back in that I had all but forgotten it. I’m going to set the scene for you before I tell my story.  I was a teenager (16 or 17). I had lost my virginity to a boyfriend and back in those days would have been considered wild and rebellious. My parents were very strict and most of my rebellion was when they weren’t around.

We had a family reunion in East Texas. We would stay the weekend with my Mamaw and Papaw. The actual reunion was at a great-aunt’s house. She had land that had a pond for fishing and a covered swimming pool with a hot tub and sauna. There were a lot of my mom’s side of the family that attended. I don’t remember the year much less the month or day. Most of the younger people were in the pool. We had such a good time.

*Edited – I believed that rape was only when someone forcibly held you down and forcible entered you. 

I don’t remember where everyone was, but I know that I was still in the pool and one of my cousin’s husband was still in the pool. He was a youth minister and I remember that because they were talking about that at some point. After everyone left the pool, he started talking to me. I thought that it was cool because “an older man” was paying attention to me. We were in the hot tub and honestly, I didn’t see anything wrong with that because he was my cousin, right? I remember that he came very close to me and touched me, and I do remember saying “no”. He pulled my bathing suit bottom over and put his finger on my lips and said, “no one will believe you”.

Afterwards, he left the pool and I was alone. I don’t remember exactly what all happened, but I know that I stayed in the pool for a while then went to shower. I do remember thinking that no one would believe me because he was a youth minister after all. And then at some point, I started telling myself that maybe I had wanted it or what had I done to deserve it. As I look back on it, it was rape. Just because it happened 35 years ago doesn’t make it any less than what it was. Just because I don’t remember very many details doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.

I’m not strong enough to have spoken up and I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Or I thought that I would be blamed for what happened. Why didn’t I fight or scream? I don’t know. The sad part for me in this story is that in 35 years we haven’t moved forward in how we look at things. I see all the stuff on the news and think “Gee, we still crucify the woman”. I do understand that there are women that use this against men but just because there are a few bad apples, doesn’t mean that everyone does.

And then I see things that basically say that you shouldn’t be held responsible for actions that you did in college and was drunk. In my eyes, if we can’t hold a college drunk responsible for their actions then who is responsible? From what I see, a lot of people are saying that only the girl is responsible. So, if a young college student is drunk and crashes into someone, he is not responsible because he was just having drunk? Really?

It saddens me how as a society, we are still always blaming the woman and tearing her apart. I just hope that this never happens to any of you or your daughters or you granddaughters. Because who will believe them?

Well, I want to leave on a happy note. I challenge you to try to see something from someone else’s perspective. It’s not always an easy thing to do but just try! Love you and hugs to everyone.