Depression is Real!

Good afternoon, y'all! I wanted to journal today about mental health. Whether you know me or not, I have written in the past about my fight with depression. Almost 3 years ago, I went through intensive outpatient group therapy. It was such a wonderful thing. I think that I have done pretty well over the last 3 years. I have started taking better care of myself. I have made friends and don't hide out in my home. When my grandson passed away in May, I found myself struggling again. I have fought it and ignored it and even stayed so busy so that I wouldn't think about it. But it's not working the way that I want it to.

Going back into therapy almost seems like a failure. But losing Ezra has sent me into a tailspin. I came to the realization a couple of weeks ago that I no longer cared if I lived. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt myself. Just not worried if I lived or not. I know that this is very selfish of me. I have 22 grandchildren. Even if one of the links are missing in our family chain, there are still 21 others that need me. Not to mention my hubby and children. This is when I began to realize that I needed more help than what I can get from books or journaling. I know that God has this and I feel like He is telling me "Hey, you have counseling right there, why aren't you reaching out for the help?"

I feel so lost at times, that I don't know what to do with myself and then some days I feel absolutely wonderful. I don't feel like I will ever be that "happy" person again, but I want to at least try. So I am doing what I think is best for me and my family.

New Day!

Good morning y'all! I've decided that today is going to be a good day. If you couldn't tell, yesterday was horrible for me. And it only got worse as the day went on. That only goes to show you that you have a choice to make everyday. So I made that choice this morning when I woke up. Do I still have trouble breathing without it hurting, am I still grieving? Why of course! Am I still upset about what happened? Yes but I'm not angry and I won't allow it to control me!

I got up this morning and have been productive. I've run Betsy (rumba) and mopped my floors. Now the fur babies are going crazy. I got to facetime with one of my grandson's this morning. That always makes my day!




These are pictures that my friend, Katherine, took over the weekend. The one on the right is Lucy and the one on the left is CryBaby! And yes, she earns her name! 🙈🙉🙊






So I want to share some inspirational things and that will be all for today. I hope that you enjoy them.

Big Decisions

Good morning y'all! I'm going to start this blog by saying that I had the most awesome weekend with my hubby. We had no TV to distract us. We spent the weekend focused on each other. Thank you God for sending him to me! We swam, ate, slept, talked, and enjoyed each other. We cried over our grandson and for the things that we will never get to do with him and for how much we miss him. I don't know how I would deal with this without you Wesley.

I really want Tiffany and Chris to know just how much it meant to us that they allowed us to stay in their home while they are on vacation. Please be safe. I also want to thank Katherine for babysitting our fur babies.

So something happened this weekend that really angered me. I guess that I was more hurt. Normally I don't get angry and rarely do I stay angry. I still feel that I had to right to be upset but I don't want to stay that way. So I have decided to go back into group counseling. Because I don't want to allow anyone to have this kind of control over my emotions. Selfishness is something that I have a very hard time dealing with in other people. I believe and raise my children with the belief that you treat others as you want to be treated. I believe that I have always been a giving person but I won't stay around people who just take and take. Of course, others will probably think that it is all me and that this is why I am going back to counseling. First, I need help dealing with the death of my Ezra! Some days I feel like I'm dealing with it pretty good but some days I just fall apart. I know that this is all a part of grief. There are days that I feel like I'm losing it (not that I had it to begin with). But I also can't let others selfishness get to me. I'm sorry but I am truly hurt right now.

So my challenge today is to work on forgiveness. Even when I don't think they are sorry. It isn't about them, it's about me and how I feel inside. And I challenge you to forgive someone, even if you don't think that they deserve it. Pray about it and forgive!

A Weekend with My Hubby!

Good morning y'all. I'm back at home for one day and then Wesley and I are headed out for the weekend. I really enjoyed spending a couple of days with my friends. We got to relax and have fellowship together. We did crafts together and the food was awesome.

 

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my hubby. The last couple of days, I've been missing Ezzy so much. I am not sure how to build around this grief. Some days, I feel like I am getting there and then the guilt sets in. I know that I have prayed for God to show me how to deal with this huge hole inside and I know that He will show me but will I be open enough to see it? I hope so.

I want to say a special thank you to my daughter and her husband, Tiffany and Chris Leschber for being so generous and allowing us to stay in their home while they are on vacation. I love y'all and hope that y'all are having a good time!

Getting Ready

Good morning Y'all! As I sit here getting ready for the retreat that I am hosting, I have to make list or I am sure that I will forget something. I have already made the chicken salad, have most of my craft things packed. I just need to finish up the laundry and pack my clothes. 

I am missing my baby today. A little more than usual. It use to drive me crazy if I didn't get to see him within 6 weeks. It's been over two months and the realization that it will be a lifetime before I get to see him just blows me away. God, why, oh, why? All I can do is let the tears fall! I'm not ashamed to cry and I don't try to hold them back. But breathing seems to hurt today. I know that I won't get an answer to my question and I guess that I don't expect one. I just wish I knew. 

I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Make the most of everyday, we aren't promised tomorrow!

God is my Strength

Good morning Y'all! I hope that you all are having a wonderful week. It's Thursday and we have made it through most of the week. I have a woman's retreat planned next week July 21-23. There are 5 of us going and I am so excited. We have so many things planned. Praise and Worship, crafts, bible studies, swimming, barbecuing, and wonderful fellowship. So this is what I will be working on over the weekend, getting things ready.

   I finished up my planter boxes. I put polyurethane on them this morning do that they will be ready for planting tomorrow or the weekend. Another thing on my to do list is completed. That is exciting.                                           


 I'm going to finish up Wesley's quilt top today (hopefully). Then I want to start making mask again. I want to make 4 different kinds. I have been thinking about asking people if they want one, all they have to do is buy a yard of material, I'll make them a mask for free, I keep the remaining material. I don't know if anyone would do it but it's in the thinking process.

So I looked up my old picture and compared it to a picture I today, I'm so happy that I decided to start the journey. One picture is from October 2019 and the other is today. WOW!






I know that God is comforting me. My days don't seem so hard. I still think about Ezra all of the time but for the most part, I can breathe now without constant pain. I love you Ezzy!

Choose to be happy!

Not a Day Goes By

Good morning y'all. So I woke up with a sinus headache this morning at 2:30. I laid back down at 6:00 and didn't wake up until 10:00. I still have the headache. I doubt that I will do much today. I wanted to show you some of the things that I got done this weekend.

 I have 2 of these, there are 11 names on one side of each. All of the grandkids. On the ends, I wrote little scriptures. And I drew the flowers one the back side. I am not an artist but I thought that turned out cute. I was going to polyurethane them today but don't feel like it.

Yesterday marked the 2 months that Ezzy's been gone from this earth. So I think about all of my grandchildren almost daily. It seems as if I stay busy, my day goes better but not a day goes by that I don't think of him 5-6 times. I don't always cry. Some of what I think about are the cute and funny things that he did. God I miss him sooooo much.

I hope that y'all have a wonderful day. I'm going to take it easy today. I might even try to find a movie to watch. I don't normally turn my tv on during the day but I might today.

I love animals.

Good evening everyone. First and foremost I want to wish my brother Randy a very happy birthday. I called him this morning and I know that he doesn't read my blog but oh well. I got to see my nephew, Blake, today. I gave him a quilt for his new baby girl. He likes Star Wars so this is what I came up with for a girl. He seemed so excited about it. It made me feel so good.

 






A few of us ladies are planning a retreat in a week and a half. One of the crafts that we are going to do is snowmen out of socks! Maggie showed me how to make them and today I made two sets. When I say set I mean 1 shawl for a female and 1 scarf for the male. I haven't made any snowmen but here are a couple of the sets I made.

I thought they turned out really cute. I am not sure how many I want to make but when I actually get one done, I'll post a picture. Heck, I'll probably post a picture of all of the ones we make.

So I want to share some videos that we took of our newest fur baby. Cry baby is so silly!

Bernice took me to the doctor yesterday and I will probably be having surgery in 3 weeks to remove my gallbladder. They also want to check my new pouch for ulcers. They gave me a couple of prescriptions to treat ulcers until they find out for sure. We took time to go have breakfast together at a new place (to us) in New Braunfels. It was called the Buttermilk Cafe. It was so good. Go by and give them a try if you are in the area. They are only open from 7-2. The only thing I saw was the breakfast menu. Not sure if they serve anything else. But was fantastic.

I didn't feel like I accomplished a whole lot today but still feel good. Donna came over and learned how to make a shawl and visited all day with me. Bernice stopped by for a moment but she has been making mask.

I will keep you updated on when I'm supposed to have surgery as soon as they call me to set it up. I hope that you have an awesome night and a wonderful weekend.

Trying To Stay Busy!

Good afternoon y'all. I realized today that I didn't journal yesterday. I started out the day painting on planter boxes that I have. I will post a picture of that when I get them done. I stained a couple of planter boxes for my daughter to put in Ezzy's garden. They came out a little darker than I was hoping for but I was afraid to go the lighter shade thinking they might be too light. But I think they turned out nice. I hope that she likes them. I had them made by Dustin's Backyard Builds in Hallettsville. I love the job he did on them. Check him out on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/dustinsbackyardbuilds/?epa=SEARCH_BOX I've never posted a link before so hopefully it works.

I also got the main part of Wesley's quilt done. I need to put a couple more rows around to make it fit our queen sized bed. I want it to come down below the box-springs. But so far I'm really happy with it. It's folded twice in the picture but you get the idea. I can't wait to get it done.

I have been saying for a good long time that I was going to clean the shelves in my sewing room. I have 4 set of shelves, 2 in each corner. I managed to get one corner done. I don't think that our trash can would have held everything if I had done all of them. But I'm happy with it. I even have more room to go buy more fabric! 😲

As I was going through stuff, I found the following. Just so you know, when the grandkids make us some artwork, I display it until I get more. When I take down some of the older stuff, I put it in a file. This I found with some of the paperwork that I went through.

I have a bunch from Eva and Ezra. My daughter posted that Eva had a really hard night last night. My heart hurts for her. We want to protect those that we love from hurt and this is one hurt I can't make better. She was such a wonderful big sister to him. And he absolutely adored her. They were not just brother and sister but playmates and (I'm sure) confidants for each other. I'm 53 and can not comprehend, so I can't imagine how a 4 year old would process this. I feel very blessed that I have the confidence in her parents and their love and God, to help her navigate her way through it. There isn't a day that I don't think of him. Some days, the pain is less and then some days, it'll knock me to the ground. I just keep praying for God to strengthen me and to give me some peace.

I have lost 60 lbs since my surgery. I have lost 103 lbs since my highest recorded weight. I say recorded, I have never owned a scale until now so I am going by my pcp's records. If there is anyone out there that is hesitant, for me it has been the best decision of my life. The last picture is today.

 



I hope that y'all have a wonderful day. I have a lot of things planned for today so I might as well get busy.

Another Monday!

I hope that everyone had an awesome weekend. Mine was great. Had friends over on Saturday and was lazy all day yesterday. My stomach is giving me some problems so I called the doctor. I have an appointment on Thursday with the surgeon to discuss my gallbladder.

I finished one quilt and working on another. I also finished my daughter's planter boxes. They look a little dark but I think once she puts the poly on it and they are out in the sun, they will lighten a bit. I still need to do the inside of the legs.


I'm going to share 3 videos with you. I will be sharing all of what was called the round table videos about Ezzy. But for now, here is the first 3.

     

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I hope that you have a blessed day. Do something constructive, it'll help you! I don't know how this page will look on your phone but on the preview, it is pretty messed up! Please forgive my ignorance on how to fix it! Scratch that, I think I fixed it for the ones who view this on a computer.