A New Day

Good afternoon friends. I have come to the conclusion that I can't just "get over" this. I want to ignore how I am feeling but I can't. What I will do is embrace this pain. It's a part of me, of who I am. I am just working on not letting it define me. Some days, I just want to stay in my bed and sleep so that I don't feel the pain. But the strange thing about doing that is that it is still there the next day too. My daughter does this awesome thing where she writes what she is grateful for and what the hardest part of the day, and she does this everyday. I'm so super proud of her! Some days it is hard for me to think of something to be grateful for. 

For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden His face from him but has listened to his cry for help. Psalm 22:24

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:25-30

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our Comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Just a few verses that give me comfort. Have a blessed evening. Here is another video that lets you get to know my grandson and the life he had.

The Mountain

Good evening. I went to church this morning but felt like a fish out of water. I seem so confused and disillusioned. I'm just so unhappy today. It's not any one thing, it's everything. Here at home, I can't seem to do anything right. Wesley jumps on me for anything and everything. Even if he doesn't realize it, that is what he does. I am also extremely sensitive. I have never been one to take criticism too well. I like to be lifted up not put down. I prefer to lift others up. I don't put them down. I just feel like my life is not going in the direction that I want it to go. I want to be joyful again. I keep praying for God to show me the way.

I did cook today. That isn't something that I do very often anymore. It was pretty good but I don't enjoy food like I use to. But maybe it's just my mood. How can people expect me to just be who I was? I can't right now, I doubt that I will ever be that person. There is this huge hole inside.

I don't know how to go around this mountain that I am confronted with. I don't know if I am strong enough to go over it. And I don't have the stamina to tunnel through it. This is part of my problem. I am usually the kind of person to find a solution to my problems. But this is something that I'm not sure about.

I want God to move this mountain for me. I guess I just want an easy fix. I don't want to feel this pain. But I know that I must. I keep hanging onto

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,

to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Living Life

Good morning everyone. What are you doing this weekend? Me? As little as possible! Wesley took me out to eat last night. I really needed to get out of the house! Not really to just go but to do something that seemed normal. Bernice and Prissy went with us. I enjoyed them very much. I need to start doing "normal" things.

We went to Tokyo Bar and Sushi Bar in Victoria. As always, the food was excellent but the company was better. 

I think that Wesley was having withdrawals from not going to Walmart so we made a stop. We spent more than we should have (of course). 

I tried to drink a strawberry daiquiri but after a couple of sips, I knew that I wouldn't be able to finish it. But Wesley likes them so he drank it.

I'm missing Ezra today. I've been looking at photos and thought I'd share a few with you. I'll try to give a little explanation for them. 

Left Picture - The grandkids love to eat the beaters of anything we decide to bake.

Right picture - Eva and Ezzy made their own pizza. I couldn't get Ezzy to look up for the camera, I tried 3 times!

These pictures are courtesy of Eva. She was doing my nails and I did hers. Well Ezra wasn't going to be outdone. I truly enjoyed sending these pictures to his parents! lol

Tiffany sent this to me one day! Who couldn't just smile at this? Thank you Tiffany. This is so special to me. Can I challenge you to do something special for someone in your life? I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend.

Cloudy Days

Good Friday morning. I didn't write anything yesterday because I had my 3 month checkup with the bariatric doctor. Everything was good other than I found out that I will have to have my gallbladder removed. He told me that I could wait for a bit because I wasn't having too much problem. He also looked at my blood work and said that we could discuss it in a couple of months. So I have a couple of months to get myself prepared for it. 

I had fun with my friends Bernice and Maggie. We went to Jason's Deli for lunch and then went to Joann's. I found the material for Wesley's quilt. I think that today, I will cut it and start sewing the pieces back together. I'll show some of my quilts to you in a future blog. 

I've been home by myself (not really) for 2 days. I still have hard moments but I thank God that He has given me some peace. For a while, I truly thought that I was going to go crazy. I think that Wesley was worried as well. I have Lucy and Cry Baby to keep me company and make me laugh during the day while trying to stay busy.

I got my hair cut this morning and oh my, does it feel good. It's raining outside and kind of dreary. It's actually great sleeping weather but I'm not tired. Wesley and I have started watching "The Chosen". It is so good. I can't believe that Wesley likes it as much as I do. We rarely agree on what to watch. If you haven't seen it, give it a try. 

I want to share some music with you that was put together for my daughter and her husband. I find it very soothing. I hope that you do as well.

Starting a Quilt

Good morning. I hope to start writing this blog in the mornings. Typically my mind is in a better place in the mornings than in the evening. I just got back from going with Wesley to the eye doctor. Everything looks better. They have been charging us over $80 per visit. Today was our 3rd visit. Before we went in, I called Wesley's insurance to find out how much his deductible was. There are several issues. His copay is only supposed to be $40 and the doctor does accept this insurance but supposedly only in Gonzales, not in Seguin. Now I don't understand this, so I asked the ladies about this and they were going to check on it. This was 8:00 this morning and here it is almost 11:00 and they still haven't called me! If I don't hear from them, I'll call tomorrow to see if they have figured out what is going on!

Tomorrow, I'm going for my 3 month check-up with the bariatric doctor. Joann's, here we come! I looked at an ad that I received in the mail (evidently a couple of weeks ago) and saw some really good coupons and deals but looked at the expiration date 😦! So I guess I'll go online and see what coupons I can find. I just need two yards of one material to have enough for Wesley's quilt. I will post a picture when I get it done. I'm super excited to get started.

So here are some more pictures of Ezzy and his big sister Eva. You should know that you are in trouble when your big sister is all girly girl! But he was always the trooper, he loved his sister no matter what she did to him!

 



I hope that you have a wonderful day. I am planning on being productive today. My mission today is to cut the material that I have for Wesley's quilt. Wish me luck!

Alone Time!

Hi there everyone! For the past 4-5 weeks, I've had grandkids visiting. I've truly enjoyed them. They have all been teenagers or pre-teen. Now I know that it isn't always fun being with your grandparents but this summer has been really hard on Wesley and I. I know that it hasn't been easy on them being here. But I really did enjoy them. But it is time for us to have time to process all that has happened. I think that Wesley and I need sometime to grieve together. He doesn't want to talk about Ezzy because he doesn't like to see me cry. And he doesn't cry because he feels the need to be strong for both of us. But I'm going to cry regardless but it helps me when I talk about him. There are times that I can almost feel his touch. In my head, I keep hearing "Nona, it b aight". And I know that some day, it won't hurt the way it does now. The precious memories won't hurt but rather they will make me smile. 

I'm generally a joyful person. I miss that person. I know that one day, she will be back. I just don't know how long it will take (I wish I did). The key for me is to keep talking and to keep "living". God will take of the rest. I hope that He will give me a peace within myself. I pray comfort for my entire family. 

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I have a busy week. Wesley has an eye appointment tomorrow morning. I have my 3 month check up with the bariatric doctor on Thursday. Bernice and Maggie are going with me so you know that we have to stop at Joann's because we are going to be in New Braunsfels. I'm sure that we will make a day out of it. I need some material so that I can FINALLY do Wesley a quilt. Here is Wesley's Father's Day present!

I hope that your week is going great! If not, we can start fresh first thing in the morning!

Happy Father's Day

I want to say good evening to everyone and Happy Fathers Day to all of the dad's out there. Can I suggest that you call or go see him as often as possible? Trust me when I say that you will be glad that you did. I lost my father a long time ago (13 years ago on the 12th of this month) I don't think that we ever say "Gee, I spent too much time with _____" You can fill in the blank. I know that we all have busy lives but never let them keep you from the people that you love.

I got to enjoy my brother Randy and his wife Kathy. He fried fish at his son's, Blake, house. I honestly think that he only invited me for the tarter sauce I make. 😉 I enjoyed getting out of the house but it made me very sad too. As we were going down the road, all I could think about is "How is this world still going without Ezzy?" It just isn't right. Some days, I feel like the world just stopped that day or that it should have. Why God Why? Why does everything keep going? Why didn't you preform a miracle that day? Why didn't you just take me? I would have gladly taken his place! God, You are still in the business of miracles, aren't you? I know that there aren't answers that would satisfy me right now. One day, God will give me all of the answers that I ask now. But for now, I don't understand how the world keeps moving! Part of this makes me really angry, like 'how dare they'. Not sure who 'they are' but I'm assuming that in my mind I'm thinking about everyone and anyone who isn't hurting like me. But this is really a stupid thing to think because I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I do. I know that I'm rambling but I am just typing as the words come to my mind.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try to focus on my house and getting it straightened up. I hope that all of you had a wonderful weekend and that you have an awesome week to come!

Working without getting Paid!

Good evening everyone. I have had a busy day today. I finally got my new computer desk together last night thanks to Wesley and Nick. I've only had it for about a month. I needed to move my WiFi closer to my TV so I put my new desk in the living room. Upon doing this, I had to move my computer, router, printer, and everything else that goes along with my computer. My old computer desk is going into our middle bedroom for Wesley. For those of you that know me, the middle bedroom is kind of my junk room. We have been saying that we were going to clean it since we moved in here a year and a half ago. Well ....  I at least started it. I don't know about you but whenever I start rearranging, I seem to make a huge mess before I actually get it cleaned up. I'm so exhausted this evening.

I wanted to share that I had eyelid lift surgery. These pictures are a little gross to me now. But I had the surgery in November 2018. The following are marked. I can tell you that I see so much better now.

The surgery was really worth getting done. I don't look like I'm almost asleep all of the time!

It's been raining a little every day. Our local pool opens from 12 - 7. There has been lightening starting around 12 for the last couple of days. They won't let you into the pool with lightening in the area. Then it quits around 5-6 in the evening. I'm not going to the pool for just an hour. Poor Nick, he has been helping me rearrange things but when it's time to relax, the pool isn't open. Thank you Nick for all of your help.

I've only cried once today. I received a plaque that I ordered for Tiffany. I will show it to y'all once it has been given to the people that it was made for. But instead I'll share another video of my baby! There aren't a lot of videos of him with Papa but I'm here to tell you that he loved his Papa. Whenever they would facetime me and the first question would be "Where's Papa?"

I hope that you are having an awesome weekend.

Another week is gone!

I wake up every morning. I always think about the things that I am grateful for. Some days are a little harder than some. Today I am grateful for my family and friends. I know that seems a little generic but they know who they are. I will show you some pictures of some of them:

               

Of course I have 21 grandchildren that I will post pictures of one day.

I want to share the last video that I received from Ezzy. It was about 4 hours before he past. I will treasure it forever. Eva was staying with me that week so the video is to both of us!

I  hope that you have a wonderful day! God bless you each!

Life goes on!

Good Afternoon everyone. I've been gone for the last couple of days. I took Bubba to his mom and picked up Nick. I stayed a few days with Tiffany and Chris and Eva. We got to watch Hayden play his first baseball game of the season. It was a really good and busy time. I'm exhausted but I seem to stay that way most days.

Here are some of the pictures from the past week or two.

 

 

I enjoy these kiddos so much! But it also reminds me that I am missing one so much. Just so you know Ezzy, you are still Nona's boy even in heaven and don't worry, I know what your reply would be! (Me no Nona's boy, me mommy daddy's boy) I love you sweet boy!

 


 
Some days I seem to have good days but then guilt seems to find its way into my mind. "How can you have a good day when you will never hold your little angel again?" I know that it is the devil saying that because I know that one day I WILL get to hold him again. The bible promises me that!